the enraged webmaster
Loki is trying to go blind. This is not too hard to do, apparently, if you are a Golden Retriever. You have all sorts of eye things that can go wrong any second if you are a Golden Retriever. This is so true if you just call a dog eye specialist and say "I have a Golden Retriever" the person on the phone will say "Oh no how soon can you get here?" Because when Golden Retriever eyes go bad they go bad fast. We are lucky we caught one eye thing really early though because I live in this good news bad news universe where I am real lucky all the time but always in a good news bad news way. For example, the bad news is, your dog is going blind. The good news is, no one ever shows up in time to do anything about this condition and their dogs go blind but for no reason we can even figure out you are early and we can stop this. That is my world. Good news bad news. So we ended up at a doggy eye specialist when other people don't and caught a bizarre eye condition early and it did not blind Loki. Then because we caught the first dog blinding condition early we were already seeing dog eye specialists when the new your-dog-is-going-blind thing struck so we caught that early too and that did not blind him either. But I live in this kind of vagure fear of my dog going blind every day giving him drops and more drops and more drops that are supposed to make sure that does not happen watching him for signs of being blind. And so far I have put several vets' kids through college. But my dog can see.
And that matters.
My dog can see.
In the meantime --
I send out press releases announcing featured entrants in Three Pages. It is important. The whole point for writers entering contests is competition exposure can get you read by people who can help you get your movie made. So I am mad cap with press releases. I send one out each time new Three Pages writers are featured. (It is January 22nd as I type this so so far "mad cap" means two press releases but I have big dreams.) I send them to trades, journals, guilds, professional groups and websites and --
A webmaster became ENRAGED.
And sent me MEAN EMAIL.
If you are known even a little bit people can send you mean email and hurt your feelings and you cannot fight back. People know you so they focus on you and say "Look at so and so being mean to that little webmaster." Instead of "Look at that webmaster guy picking on so and so." SO I HAVE TO BE NICE ALL THE TIME! EVEN WHEN PEOPLE SEND ME MEAN EMAIL AND HURT MY FEELINGS. And say "GOSH I AM SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCING YOU."Instead of what I feel like saying really which is "BITE ME YOU PRUNE SUCKING SQUID." This is for sure giving me wrinkles so this week's thought is:
CONVERSATIONS THAT NEVER HAPPENED OR A LETTER FROM THE ENRAGED WEBMASTER AND WHAT I COULD ONLY THINK IN MY HEAD:
(I am the one in italics.)
To whom it may concern:
(Um, that would be me. It says so right there in the "from" part.)
Two weeks, two unsolicited e-mail messages from you. Or is this the third?
(Well no it is the second. You did not do well in math, did you?)
I don't care, it's too many.
(Well you are busy running a website for screenwriters and news about screenwriters is sure wasting your time.)
And you don't even have the class, or sense, to offer people an "unsubscribe" option within the message. I should not have to go to this much trouble to end the annoyance.
(Well yes I can see how hitting "reply" would be taxing and a mystery to you.)
If you think that papering people's in-boxes with this stuff is good publicity, think again. It's annoying, and most people are probably deleting everything you send them by now.
(Well most people who are too lazy to read that mentors list or too clueless to recognize the names on it dumbo.)
ONCE at the beginning was enough.
(You did not even get a press release at the beginning you fibber.)
When you have a winner, announce that if you insist.
(No no you are too busy I am taking you off my list. You are cranky. Did you get your roughage today?)
Take a hint from the real contests out there. Nicholl, Austin, Chesterfield...
(Well I won Nicholl and Austin and placed pretty high in Chesterfield so I am maybe a little familiar with the competitions but you probably know more.)
I am not getting spammed by them.
(You are not getting spammed at all you dazed gazelle you are getting a press release. People who only pretend to report news do not know the difference maybe.)
This contest is not of interest to me at this time, but as a webmaster --
(A "webmaster" who does not know how to hit reply on email? What?)
I don't mind OCCASIONAL, TRULY NEWSWORTHY press releases. That's not what you are sending. What you are sending here is junk mail.
(My featured entrants are not junk mail Mr. Cranky.)
Please stop. Thank you.
(You are not a nice man and I do not like you. Do not try to be polite now you mean guy.)
Whew! Okay. I feel so much better.
Now I have to go give my dog eye drops.
Love and Kisses,
Your Adams Girl
PS: To me the featured entrants are brave and wonderful and a very big deal and you can read them at featured entrants.
PPS: NEWSFLASH HOLDOVER SUCCESS AT SALON YAY! GO SEE
